Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Flying Shit Can...

If I really had any nuts at all, if I really wanted to be profound, I would have just hit the publish button right after I typed the title, "The Flying Shit Can..."

But I can't contain myself.

I am flying in a 130,000 lb shit can.

American Airlines, you can suck a bag of dicks sour pickles.


Because this plane sucks.

It sucks in so many ways that it's hard to narrow it down. But let me give it a shot.

1. The interior of the plane smells like a foot. It smells like a foot that stepped in shit. It smells like a foot that stepped in shit, then stepped in roasted vegetables and then stepped in shit again.

2. The plane is so crowded that I'm sitting with my jacket on my lap. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't already have my bag on my lap. Which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have my laptop on my bag on my jacket on my lap. 

3. The television monitors hanging from the ceiling are square. There are 7 of them. Every last one of them is in the shape of a God damn square. Nobody makes fucking square televisions anymore. This means your televisions are old. Really old. Older than both of my daughters put together.Which means your plane is old. If I had to guess, and by guess I mean I've already googled it, I'd say the plane is about 15 years old. This scares the piss out of me. If you don't care enough to replace your old, square televisions with new, rectangular televisions then what does the inside of the plane look like? And by "inside" I mean the important shit, like propellers or ball bearings or what ever the fucking technical plane terms are. At least humor us and get the rectangular televisions and lie about the other stuff. Jesus.

4. The fat, native American lady laying on me is snoring and drooling on me. I think she might be dead. This is not your fault but it's driving me insane. Maybe she's the one that smells like a foot that stepped in shit that stepped in roasted vegetables and stepped in shit again. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt but if she doesn't step off, I'm gonna knee her in the uterus.

Warning: Only Jews need read #5 or non-Jews that speak or understand Jewy things. 

5. My tray is broken and my seat doesn't recline. That in all other nights some eat sitting and others reclining. On this night we are all reclining? I guess not.  Ma Nishtana Muthafucka!

It also bothered me that your safety video warned me to NEVER inflate my life vest while on the plane. When the fuck am I supposed to inflate it? Do I blow into the little red tube when I'm flying through the sky, strapped to my seat with my ass on fire? Or shall I inflate it while submerged in the freezing cold ocean with poop in my pants and a fucking hammerhead shark gnawing on my kidney? Get back to me as soon as possible.

I have broken all of the cosmic laws of Karma by writing this post. It would be ironic and yet fitting if I were to publish this to the web and then minutes later come crashing down in this flying shit can in a fiery blaze.

At this point I don't give a crap. Either way I'm taking the native American woman with me.

Look for us on the morning news. 

American Airlines Flight 336.