Friday, September 14, 2012

Where The Dick Is Supposed To Be...

For almost five years, I've been "writing" this blog.

It is called Out-Numbered and it was aptly named.

I am a man. I have a wife and two daughters. I live with them in a house. I am outnumbered.

The reason for the brief history is because over the past few years the dynamic of my family has slowly changed.


About three years ago we welcomed a special needs lizard into our home. He is paralyzed from the waist down. At the time, the vet said that the prognosis was not good. My daughter cried.

Today he eats, he climbs and he shits on newspaper just like my two daughters. The only difference is that my daughters don't shit on newspaper.

His name is Cookie Monster and he is a boy.

I am almost positive he is a boy. It's hard to tell. He has some circle things where his dick is supposed to be. The interwebz says that means he's a boy.

Granted, a boy with no dick but I'll take it!

He has an incredible will to live and he has taught my family a great many things. Caring for a special needs lizard is no small task. He has to be hand fed, bathed and quite often moved from spot to spot in order to make it easier on his fragile body but we wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

Cookie Monster is a miracle.

About two months ago we welcomed a four month old puppy into our home.

He is healthy, happy and he shits in the yard just like my two daughters. The only difference is that my daughters don't shit in the yard yet.

His name is Cody and he is a boy.

I am positive he is a boy. It's as clear as day. He has a little doggie dick right where it's supposed to be and he spends a good portion of his day humping a furry pillow. It reminds me of when I was a teenager.

This dog has completely changed our lives.

There is more joy in the house. There is less yelling, less stress and my wife is sounding like a mental patient again filled to the brim with love and affection. It spews out of her like hot magma in sentiments like, "hello poochie magoochie" and "hello puppy wiggles".

Doggie Goo Goo Ga Ga.

It's like having a baby all over again and it feels nice.

Have you ever stared into the eyes of a puppy? It can be a very spiritual experience. It's like he knows what I'm thinking. He doesn't judge me. He has no expectations. His love is completely unconditional.

Spiritual people might say that about God.

I've heard people say that they can feel God's presence in their dog.

That always sounded melodramatic to me but I'm thirsty so I'm taking small swigs of the Kool-Aid.





There are only three letters to work with and only so many combinations.

Whether it's true or not, I now have balance in my home.

Three vaginas and two and a half dicks living together in not so perfect harmony.

Progress not perfection.

I'll take it.