Monday, August 13, 2012

Puppy Parts And A Fear Of Dying Part One...

My daughters are so beautifully simple and yet complicated at the same time.

The way they look through me. The way they walk from the house to the car. The way they brush their hair after a bath.

Everything about them makes me wonder how on earth I could have had anything to do with any of their inherent goodness.

Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud and sometimes it takes all of my will to hold back the tears.

My wife and I made the decision to adopt a puppy a few weeks ago. It was a surprise to the kids.
For obvious reasons, my only condition was that the puppy had to be a boy.

The other day, my little one asked me where the puppy's penis was. I pointed at it.

Little one: "That doesn't look like a penis."

Me: "Well, that's what a doggy penis looks like."

Little one: "It's hairy."

Me: "Sure is."

Little one: "Why is it so hairy?"

Me: "Because dogs are hairy, so their penises are hairy."

Little one: "But you're hairy?"

Me: "Not that hairy."

Little one: "Where are his peanuts?"

Me: "His what?"

Little one: "His peanuts."

Me: "You mean his testicles?"

Little one: "What are tensicles?"

Me: "Testicles. It's another name for his peanuts."

Little one: "Where are they?"

Me:  (pointing) "Right over here."

Little one: "Can I touch them?"

Me: "No way."

Little one: "Why?"

Me: "Because you can't go around touching people's testicles."

Little one: "But he's not a person. He's a dog."

Me: "You know what I mean. You can't touch them."

Little one: "Why are his tentacles so far away from his penis?"

Me: "Testicles sweetheart. They are called testicles."

Little one: "Why are they so far away?"

Me: "I'm not sure. That's just they way they are."

Little one: "They're so small."

Me: "That's because he's a puppy."

Little one: "Where's his butthole?"

Me: (maneuvering the puppy) "Right back there."

Little one: "Eeww it's hairy."

Me: "Yes. It's really hairy."

Little one: "Can I have a snack?"

Me: "Absolutely."