Friday, February 3, 2012

Majority Rules In Israel...

Today my former accountant sent me an email saying, "I thought it might interest you to know that your column is featured on an Israeli website."

Shit yeah!

I'm Jewish.

This is a big deal.

My Grandma is gonna bust a nut.

My Rabbi is gonna blow a Shofar.

But I can't read Hebrew.

No one I know can read Hebrew. I'm assuming my former accountant can read Hebrew. After all she sent me the article.

So I did what any technically savvy Dad blogger would've done.

I went to Google Translate.

This is what I entered in:

הרוב קובע: ככה זה כשאתה מוקף בנות

ג'ייסון מאיו קרא לבלוג שלו 'הרוב קובע' כי הוא נמצא במיעוט. יש לו אישה ושתי ילדות ולכן, הוא אומר, מדי פעם הוא הופך לרכרוכי במיוחד. באחד הפוסטים המצליחים שלו עשה רשימה של הדברים החיוביים שהכניסו בנותיו לחייו: " שני חיוכים שובבים, עשרים ציפורניים עם לק, הופעות מחול, סיפורים לפני השינה, דמעות של שמחה, צחוק מתגלגל, הרים של בובות, הכל ורוד, אהבה מחודשת לקאפקייקס, נדנדות. בלי בנותיי הייתי עכשיו איש עצלן, אנוכי, וטמבל".

This is what Google Translate, um, translated:

Majority rules: That's when you're surrounded by girls
Jason Mayo his blog called 'majority rules' that is in the minority. He has a wife and two kids and so, he says, occasionally it becomes very flabby. In one blog most successful of his made ​​a list of positive things they brought his daughters to his life:"Two mischievous grins, twenty nails with nail polish, dance performances,bedtime stories, tears of joy, laughter, mountains of dolls, all pink, love renewed cupcakes, swings. without my kids I was now a lazy, selfish, and stupid ".

First of all, my blog is not called "Majority Rules". This actually pisses me off simply because it's a much cooler name than Out-Numbered.

Damn those clever Israelis!

Secondly, what exactly is "it"? And why on God's earth would "it" "occasionally become very flabby"? This makes me sound like an out of shape pedophile. Which coincidentally is frowned upon in the Daddy Blogger community.

And lastly, I absolutely and resolutely deny ever having claimed to "love renewed cupcakes".

This website doesn't seem credible. In fact, it's flat out slanderous.

The good news is that I am apparently HUGE in Israel.

If I were a single gentleman, I would fly out to Israel TONIGHT and get me some sweet Israeli tail.

What is sexier to Israeli ladies than an American Jew Daddy Blogger?


Not Netanyahu.

Not Matisyahu.

Not even Billy Crystal.

I would have a whole different life over there.

I could be the next Jerry Lewis but not in France and not Jerry Lewis.

I can see it now.

Arm in arm with a young Golda Meir, strolling through Tel Aviv, shopping for designer open toe sandals, eating at the finest Falafel cafes, skinny dipping in the Dead Sea.

They would compare me with King David* and King Solomon**.

But it's not gonna happen.

Not now. Perhaps not ever.

I'll just have to settle for being that American Jew that writes that crazy Dad Blog, "Majority Rules".


*before David offed his friend and stole his wife.
**before Solomon became a douchebag and slept with hookers.