Friday, May 6, 2011

Ass Wipe...

I'm pretty sure my best friend's Mom taught me how to wipe my ass.

As a matter of fact, I'm almost positive. The only thing that seems a bit odd, is that I met my best friend when I was 7.

7 years old seems a bit late in the game to first start learning how to wipe your own ass.


But I can't for the life of me remember otherwise.

I still have a very vivid recollection of being trapped on the toilet in their house, embarrassed to ask for help. I remember yelling toward the half open door; "Can someone please wipe me?"

Man, what a fucking loser I was. Contrary to the beliefs of some that are close to me, I have indeed come a long way.

Since that day, I have asked for many a different thing but never again have I asked another human being to wipe my buttocks.

My oldest daughter is going in to the 4th grade. She's been wiping her own ass for quite some time. I'm very proud of her.

However, my little one will be starting Kindergarten in the fall and she's having a bit of trouble. I don't think it has anything to do with her rate of development. She seems to be excelling at her ABC's, puzzles and skipping. She's even started to ride a big girl bike. But she just hasn't quite been able to master the whole ass wiping thing.

My wife thinks her arms might be too short.

I think we've been too lazy to teach her.

You see, as a Dad, I believe it's my responsibility to teach my daughters certain things. For example:

The difference between a double minor and a five minute major.
The secret identities of Superheros.
How to set an ant on fire with a magnifying glass.
How to make a fart sound with your armpit.
How to make pretend you're sleeping when Mommy wants you to do something.

Out-Numbered - "It is not my job to teach her how to wipe her ass."

Wife - "Excuse me?"

Out-Numbered - "You heard me. I'm not doing it."

Wife - "Why is it my job to teach her how to wipe her ass?"

Out-Numbered - "Because she's a girl."

Wife - "And?"

Out-Numbered - "And you're a girl."

Wife - "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Out-Numbered - "It means anything that has to do with the vagina is your responsibility."

Wife - "Jason, you know she doesn't shit out of her vagina right?"

Out-Numbered - "Yes. I know she doesn't shit out of her vagina."

Wife - "So then what's your problem?"

Out-Numbered - "Her ass is too close to her vagina. I'm not taking any chances."

Wife - "You've got to be kidding me."

Out-Numbered - "I'm dead serious. Guys and girls wipe their asses differently."

Wife - "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Out-Numbered - "Don't they?"

Wife - "You sound like an idiot."

Out-Numbered - "All I'm saying is that I'm not going to be responsible for teaching her to wipe her ass the wrong way. I don't think I'm qualified."

Wife - "You're a loser."

Out-Numbered - "I agree."

Today my little baby went to the bathroom and never called for us to wipe her.

But she did call for us.

She called us in to the bathroom to tell us that she wiped her own butt.

All by herself.

At the age of 4. Not 7 like her old man.

She's not a loser...