Thursday, November 11, 2010

Welcome Back Asshole...

Well hello, HP mini. Good to feel you again, my little friend. It’s been a long time.

No it hasn’t asshole.

Well sure it has. It’s been months.

Months? No it hasn’t you stupid fuck. It’s been one month. One measly month, to the day, as a matter of fact.

Wow. You may be right. It seems longer than that.

Ask me if I give a shit.

I’m sorry HP mini. Is there a problem here?

Problem? Why the hell would you think there was a problem?

Oh, I don’t know. You seem angry with me. That’s all.

Angry? What are you, my God damn shrink? Get your filthy mitts off of my keyboard.

Oh my word HP. It seems as if you’re angry that I’ve been away for a while. I assure you it was with good reason.

Don’t give me that horseshit. I’ve been in the trunk of your car for a month, freezing my fucking nuts off. Not even one charge. Nothing.

I’m sorry. Truly I am.

You’re an asshole.

I really am sorry but I’ve been busy.

Busy? Of course you’ve been busy. Let me guess. You’ve been feeding the homeless?

No I haven’t been feeding the homeless. There’s really no need to mock me.

Oh, I know! You had a heart attack?

God forbid HP. That’s a terrible thing to say.

Your dick fell off?

That’s just not funny.

Wait. Don’t tell me. You wrote another shitty children’s book?

No HP. I actually haven’t been busy with any of that stuff at all.

Then name one thing you’ve been busy with that’s more important than me.

OK. Let me see. Well for one, my pet bearded dragon, Cookie Monster has lost all functionality in his hind legs and I’ve been trying to nurse him back to health.


You are heartless.

I’m sorry but that is actually more pathetic than your dick falling off.

It’s no laughing matter. My daughter and I took him to the Vet the other day and he said that Cookie Monster might have a genetic bone disease that is causing tiny fractures in his spine. I’ve been feeding him special vitamins through a syringe every morning before I go to work.

You’re a loser. Why don’t you just return the little shit and get your money back?

Because he’s a living thing and he’s become a part of our family that’s why.

He’s a fucking lizard and he doesn’t even know who you are. If it were me, he’d be a fucking belt by now.

You know what HP? I’m very disappointed in you. I’m also starting to regret having turned you on this evening.

OK. I’m sorry. I’ve just been lonely without you. We used to spend so much time together. Now I feel like I hardly ever see you anymore.

Oh I’m sorry pal. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just needed some time away. I needed to take a little break that’s all. You’re still very important to me I promise. I knew there was something bothering you and now I totally understand where you’re coming from. Thanks for sharing.

So tell me more about your poor lizard. I didn’t mean all the nasty stuff I said about him.

I know. It’s OK. He’s also had trouble pooping. So I’ve been giving him warm baths every day and rubbing his belly to help induce his bowel movements. It’s really quite sad.

That’s terrible. I think I know what might help.

Really? What? I’ll try anything.

Why don’t you try sticking your fat thumb up his lizard ass and if that doesn’t work, you can make him into a wallet for Christmas.

I don't celebrate Christmas.

I don't give a rat's ass what you celebrate.

I hate you.

Then why did you come back asshole?

I have no idea.