I'm Feeling Extremely Gay...

Lately I've been so fucking happy, that I'm finding it hard to contain myself.

I'm feeling extremely *gay.

*Gay: Having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music.

You know that move that the dude in that movie does? You know, the thing when he kind of jumps up and his legs are in the air and he taps his feet together?

Well, I tried to do that today.

It didn't work.

As a matter of fact, I almost castrated myself with the tip of my umbrella but it felt really good to try it.

The point is, I'm doing really well.

Why all of a sudden?

Thanks for asking. I'll tell you why.

Because for the first time in my life, I want what I have. That's right. It's really pretty damn simple.

I want what I have.

I got everything I need.

There's a million ways to slice it but the bottom line is, I'm grateful.

I have a beautiful wife that loves me for who I am, no matter how fucked up that am is.

(That could possibly be the worst sentence ever constructed either on paper on on the internet but I'm going with it, because it feels right. So fuck y'all.)

For some reason, I've been blessed with two incredibly smart and sassy daughters that seem to be very fond of me. They want to tell me everything that happens to them. They want to play with me, hug me, kiss me and they even don't mind rubbing my feet or bringing me soda.

It's a miracle.

If I had a hat, I'd have an amazing place to hang it everyday at the office; an office that's fun and nice and fun and all kinds of other stuff.

I have a roof over my head, that sometimes leaks when it rains really hard but for the most part, it does the trick.

I have hot water in the morning to shower with. Damn, I even have one of those Loofah brushes in the shower. I'm pretty sure it's not mine but it's there if I need it.

I have food in my refrigerator. Not just bread but things like kosher salami, cantaloupe and rice pudding. How cool is that?

I know right?

I also have parents and grandparents and brothers and sisters and friends and a shed filled with gardening tools, that the previous owners of my house left behind, that I've never used.

I'm also gonna be 40 in a couple of months and I don't give a shit because I still feel like I'm 38.

I also have a couple of other things up my sleeve that I'm gonna save just for me but they make me happy.

Now don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm shitting gold coins or anything and I certainly don't have rainbows or unicorns flying out of my ass. I have plenty of bad days.

I am just a complicated man learning to live simple.

And that...

Is a beautiful thing.




And my kid knows the pledge of allegiance? You gotta be kidding me.

Someone please pinch me.