Monday, October 11, 2010

Gone Fishing...

I'm not going to make a big deal out of this because it doesn't really deserve it.

Lately I've come to believe that one of the greatest flaws in the human character is that we all believe we are terminally unique.

In reality, we're just the same.

This is a good thing.

A beautiful thing.

I find comfort in it.

I feel so priviledged to have had the opportunity to speak to all of you for the last few years. Your kindness and support has been overwhelming. I'm not sure it's possible to express that in words.

For that, I want to sincerely thank you.

I just want to let you all know that I'm going to take a little break.

Not sure when or if I'll be back.



From a frail pen flows this trickle of thoughts,
Not to be heard but seen,
But what can be seen of change,
For we ourselves are the ones who change,
That which we have done does not change,
But we change to do,
What we want to do.
Our change is at the mercy of every one else,
like a friend I thought I had understood,
But from familiarity rose contempt,
From contempt rose understanding.
Understanding gave rise to change...

- Praveen Thach

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I'm Feeling Extremely Gay...

Lately I've been so fucking happy, that I'm finding it hard to contain myself.

I'm feeling extremely *gay.

*Gay: Having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music.

You know that move that the dude in that movie does? You know, the thing when he kind of jumps up and his legs are in the air and he taps his feet together?

Well, I tried to do that today.

It didn't work.

As a matter of fact, I almost castrated myself with the tip of my umbrella but it felt really good to try it.

The point is, I'm doing really well.

Why all of a sudden?

Thanks for asking. I'll tell you why.

Because for the first time in my life, I want what I have. That's right. It's really pretty damn simple.

I want what I have.

I got everything I need.

There's a million ways to slice it but the bottom line is, I'm grateful.

I have a beautiful wife that loves me for who I am, no matter how fucked up that am is.

(That could possibly be the worst sentence ever constructed either on paper on on the internet but I'm going with it, because it feels right. So fuck y'all.)

For some reason, I've been blessed with two incredibly smart and sassy daughters that seem to be very fond of me. They want to tell me everything that happens to them. They want to play with me, hug me, kiss me and they even don't mind rubbing my feet or bringing me soda.

It's a miracle.

If I had a hat, I'd have an amazing place to hang it everyday at the office; an office that's fun and nice and fun and all kinds of other stuff.

I have a roof over my head, that sometimes leaks when it rains really hard but for the most part, it does the trick.

I have hot water in the morning to shower with. Damn, I even have one of those Loofah brushes in the shower. I'm pretty sure it's not mine but it's there if I need it.

I have food in my refrigerator. Not just bread but things like kosher salami, cantaloupe and rice pudding. How cool is that?

I know right?

I also have parents and grandparents and brothers and sisters and friends and a shed filled with gardening tools, that the previous owners of my house left behind, that I've never used.

I'm also gonna be 40 in a couple of months and I don't give a shit because I still feel like I'm 38.

I also have a couple of other things up my sleeve that I'm gonna save just for me but they make me happy.

Now don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm shitting gold coins or anything and I certainly don't have rainbows or unicorns flying out of my ass. I have plenty of bad days.

I am just a complicated man learning to live simple.

And that...

Is a beautiful thing.

And my kid knows the pledge of allegiance? You gotta be kidding me.

Someone please pinch me.

Friday, October 1, 2010

My Crotch Is Soaking Wet But I Am Blessed...

Friday Morning 8:00 am...

Out-Numbered - Come on guys. We need to move it today.

8 Year Old - I can't find my boots!

- I don't know what to tell you baby but you need to hurry up.

3 Year Old - Daddy?

- What now sweetheart?

3 Year Old - I don't know where my other sock are?

Out-Numbered - You don't know where your other sock is?

3 Year Old - I just said that!

8 Year Old - Daddy?

Out-Numbered - Oh God. What?

8 Year Old - I think I left my raincoat at school.

Out-Numbered - Well you're gonna get soaked, cause it's raining buckets out there.

3 Year Old - Where? I wanna see!

8 Year Old - Well I'm not going to school then.

Out-Numbered - Honey please. I still need to feed your pet lizard.

3 Year Old - Daddy?

Out-Numbered - WHAT?

3 Year Old - I don't see any buckets.

Out-Numbered - Baby. If you don't get your socks on, you're going to school barefoot.

3 Year Old - NOOOOOOO!

Out-Numbered - I'm going outside to get the crickets for Cookie Monster.

8 Year Old - I'm not going to school without a raincoat.

I walk outside. There is torrential rain.

Out-Numbered - Fuck me.

The cricket tank is filled with water. They are all dead. I walk back inside. I am soaking wet.

Out-Numbered - They are all dead.

8 Year Old - Who?

Out-Numbered - The crickets.

8 Year Old - Why are you soaking wet?

3 Year Old - I FOUND MY SOCK!

Out-Numbered - Great baby. Now hurry up and put it on. We have to go.

8 Year Old - But what about Cookie Monster.

Out-Numbered - What about him?

8 Year Old - We have to feed him.

Out-Numbered - He'll be fine.

8 Year Old - I'm not going to school unless we feed him.

Out-Numbered - Dude. He's a lizard. He'll survive.

8 Year Old - Would you let me go to school without breakfast?

Out-Numbered - No. Help yourself to some dead crickets.

8 Year Old - Your not funny.

Out-Numbered - If you're not dressed in the next 2 minutes, you're gonna go to school in your pajamas.

8 Year Old - OK! FINE!

We all scurry around gathering our belongings.

Out-Numbered - Does everyone have everything?

Both - Yes.

Out-Numbered - OK. When we get outside, I'm gonna open the umbrella.

8 Year Old - I want to hold the umbrella!

3 Year Old - NO! I WANT TO HOLD IT!

8 Year Old - Give it to me stupid!

3 Year Old - AHHHHHH!

Out-Numbered - Seriously?

3 Year Old - It's not fair. I want to hold it.

- You're two feet tall. How are you going to keep us dry?

8 Year Old - Yeah stupid.

Out-Numbered - Stop it. Now everyone stay close to me and under the umbrella.

We walk to the car at the pace of a mangled possum, hit by a car on the freeway, struggling to pull himself to the side of the road.

Out-Numbered - Guys. We need to move. I'm getting drenched.

8 Year Old - I can't. She keeps stepping on my foot.

3 Year Old - Stop telling on me.

8 Year Old - Then move already. You're like a snail.

3 Year Old - I DON'T look like a snail!

8 Year Old - God, you're such an idiot.

Out-Numbered - THAT'S ENOUGH!!!

We finally get into the car. They are dry as a bone and I am wetter than Phoebe Cates, fresh out of Judge Reinhold's pool.

8 Year Old - That was fun!

In the car. Out of the car. In the car. Out of the car. In the car. Out of the car. I finally get them both to school.

As I walk to the train, my crotch, among other things, is soaking wet. But particularly my crotch. I wonder if they will have paper towels on the train, so I can dry my crotch. I can't sit for an hour on the train with a wet crotch. I don't deserve this. I am a good person.

As I approach the platform, my mind wanders. I start to daydream about my oldest daughter. I picture us sitting on the couch in our den. She must be about 13 years old. Our lizard is fully grown and she holds him on her lap. Without warning, he poops on her shirt and she screams. I look at at her and she looks at me and we start laughing uncontrollably. I feel stronger when I hear her laughter; like I'm invincible.

I am startled out of my daydream by the sudden rumbling sound of the oncoming train.

I smile to myself and think for a moment about my wet crotch and how it doesn't matter.

It hardly seems to matter...