Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The List...

Men are simple creatures.

We like steak and Doritos and tools.

We don't like satin sheets or hairspray. We despise area rugs and/or tapestries and we absolutely loathe speed walking.

We also like Football. We like to watch it uninterrupted on Sundays.

And then this happens...

Sunday afternoon 4:13pm. Two minutes before kickoff. Chargers VS Jaguars.

Out-Numbered - All I ask is that you keep them upstairs until halftime.

Wife - Fine. But I haven't had a moment to myself this whole weekend you know.

Out-Numbered - I know. I love you.

Wife - Whatever.

Out-Numbered - Hey.

Wife - Yes?

Out-Numbered - Can you bring me some snacks?

Wife - Go fuck yourself.

Out-Numbered - Thanks Hon.

She walks up the stairs.

3 Year Old - Daddy?

Out-Numbered - Fuck me! Yes baby?

3 Year Old - Can you play supermarket with me?

Out-Numbered - I'm sorry baby. Not right now.

3 Year Old - Why?

Out-Numbered - Because Daddy is watching football.

3 Year Old - Can't you pause it?

Out-Numbered - No baby. I'm very tired and I need to rest.

3 Year Old - You can rest later.

Out-Numbered - No baby. Daddy's back hurts. He needs to lay down.

3 Year Old - Well, then we can play Doctor and I'll fix your back.

She creeps down the stairs slowly.

Out-Numbered - Not now sweetheart. Maybe later.

3 Year Old - Please Daddy.

Out-Numbered - Baby, I said not now.

She starts to tear up. Biting of the bottom lip ensues.

Out-Numbered - OK. I'll pause it but only for 10 minutes.

3 Year Old - Daddy. That's too short.

Out-Numbered - I said 10 minutes. Beggars can't be choosers.

3 Year Old - How about 5 minutes?

Out-Numbered - Uh, OK. 5 minutes.


3 Year Old - Thank you Daddy.

Out-Numbered - Sure. Now where are we going shopping?

3 Year Old - Today we're going to Trader Joe's.

Out-Numbered - Great. What do we need?

3 Year Old - We need a lot of food.

Out-Numbered - OK. Shall I make a list?

3 Year Old - Yes please.

I go to grab a pen and some paper.

Out-Numbered - OK. I'm ready. What do we need?

3 Year Old - A necklace.

Out-Numbered - OK. I didn't know they have necklaces at Trader Joe's. What else?

3 Year Old - Food.

Out-Numbered - Food? That's pretty vague. What else?

3 Year Old - Cups.

Out-Numbered - Cups. Got it.

3 Year Old - Spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles, another spoon.

Out-Numbered - Hang on. Slow down. Another Spoon...

3 Year Old - A fish, a cone, pickles, french fries, tomatoes, sushi, wine, french fries.

Out-Numbered - You already said french fries.

3 Year Old - Daddy. Please.

Out-Numbered - OK.

3 Year Old - Sushi.

Out-Numbered - So you want two sushi , uh sushies?

3 Year Old - Yes.

Out-Numbered - Got it.

3 Year Old - A pan, a cupcake holder, cupcakes, chicken, eggs which we already have.

Out-Numbered - If we already have them, then why do we need them?

3 Year Old - DADDY! PLEASE!

Out-Numbered - Jeez. Don't yell at me.

3 Year Old - A bowl, tops, a cookie, a shell, ducks, dogs, lambs, a head...

Out-Numbered - A head?

3 Year Old - Yes.

Out-Numbered - I'm pretty sure they won't have a head.

3 Year Old - YES THEY WILL.

Out-Numbered - I don't think so.


Out-Numbered - You have two minutes left.

3 Year Old - A mermaid, another head, a xylophone, a big ball, a car and wipes.

Out-Numbered - Is that it?

3 Year Old - Um... Yes.

Out-Numbered - Can I go watch football now?

3 Year Old - No. You have to read back the list.


Wife - NOPE.

Out-Numbered - Necklace, food, cups, spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles...