Sunday, September 5, 2010

I Suck At Guitar...

I started playing guitar when I was 12.

I started taking lessons when I was 13. It might have been one of my first acts of manhood post Bar-Mitzvah.

I played in my first talent show when I was 14 with my band Black Diamond.

I was the rhythm guitarist. Kind of like Paul Stanley without pubes.

I continued on with my lessons until I was 15 years old.

By this point I had two electric guitars.

I never learned how to read music. I never learned how to play more than 10 chords (being generous). I never practiced until the night before my lesson.

The only reason I took up guitar lessons, is because I thought it would help me get chicks.

I didn't even have pubes. Why would I have wanted to get chicks if I didn't have pubes?

I am now 39 years old.

I have two electric guitars, one acoustic guitar, a travel guitar, two amplifiers, a microphone (with stand), an electric keyboard, two harmonicas and a beautiful piano.

I can't play more than 3 chords on the piano and I still suck shit balls on the guitar.

I will never be more than a 2nd rate, rhythm guitarist. Kind of like Paul Stanley, except now I have pubes. Not more pubes than Paul Stanley though. No one has more pubes than Fuckin' Paul Stanley.


My daughter is an aspiring singer / songwriter. She's actually got some talent for an 8 year old. She's always singing. She's always practicing. She's got a good ear for music.

I try to encourage her.

When she was younger, I would always accompany her on the guitar.

I think she thought I was pretty cool; maybe even somewhat of a guitar virtuoso.

She's a bit older now.

A bit wiser.

Her tolerance is low and she demands perfection.

I'm afraid she's gonna catch on to me.

I already fear that I am holding her back.

I can no longer hide behind my wall of lies.

I think she knows...

I suck at guitar.