Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Barefoot Contessa Is Eating My Soul...

Before I start, I want to qualify that the love I have for my wife is infinite.

Moving on...

I love Giada De Laurentiis.

I want to put my Meatloaf in her oven.

I want to eat her Quiche.

I want stuff her Cornish hen.

I want to fill her Cannoli.

I want to Braze her Short Ribs.

I want to glaze her Donut.

I want to baste her Brisket.

I want to tenderize her Rump Roast.

I want to eat her muffin top.

I want her to strain my my Linguine.

I want to sip her Citrus Cream Smoothie.

I want to grease her pan.

I want her to roll my Meatballs.

I want to Filet her Fish.

I want to warm her scones.

I want to spread her Pine Nut Pesto.

I want to butter her Broccoli Rabe.

I want to frisk her Pollo Frito.

I want to cook her Goose.

I want to Jubilee her Cherry.

I want to slather her Scallopine.

I want to sautee her spinach.

I want to Pork her Chops.

I want her to squeeze my lemons.

I want to fry her calamari.

I want to stir her Stracciatella.

And then their is this person...

I have no ill will towards her. She is just not my type.

My kids however, can't get enough of her. They watch her show all of the time. She has taken the place of Hannah Montana, ICarly and Caillou; which is a good thing considering I hate that annoying, bald, whiny, little shit.

But she is causing me problems.

You see, we can't get through a meal without my daughter critiquing her food.

"The meatloaf is wonderful but it's a bit dry and could use a little more pepper."


"The salad is delightful but the dressing is bland. It could perhaps do with a pinch of salt."

Screw you buddy. Your Mom worked her ass off on that meatloaf. Eat it and keep quiet before she takes it out on me.

The other thing that's killing me is her new found love for cooking her own dishes. The concoctions are horrible. They make no sense and they taste like shit.

For instance...

Recipe #1 - Fruit and Water

1 cup of blueberries
1 cup of strawberries
1 tsp of sugar
2 cups of water

Wash the blueberries and the strawberries in the sink and dry them with a paper towel. Place the blueberries and strawberries in a bowl. Fill the bowl with water. Add the sugar. Place in the refrigerator for two minutes. Take out the bowl of blueberries, strawberries, sugar and water. Drain out the water. Then re-wash the blueberries and strawberries. Place the re-washed blueberries and strawberries in a clean bowl. Place in the refrigerator for two minutes. Take out the bowl of blueberries and strawberries. Serve.

OK. Obviously I told her how delicious and creative this was but this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen. Why don't you just wash the God damn fruit and throw it in a bowl? Now all I have is a big mess in the kitchen. Who's gonna clean that shit? Her? Yeah right. And who wants to eat all that fruit anyway. I might as well eat it on the damn toilet.

Recipe #2 - Crack Cookies

5 Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 Dark Chocolate Candy Bars
1 Can of Whipped Cream

Place the
Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies on a platter. Break the Dark Chocolate Candy Bars into quarters and place them on the platter. Slather the Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Dark Chocolate Candy Bars in whipped cream. Place platter in the refrigerator for two minutes. Take out the platter and serve.

How original is this? It's like she didn't even try. Also, these things are like crack topped with Methamphetamine. Not to mention that I'm gonna wind up weighing 400 lbs by the end of the summer. I mean she can read. She can use a computer. Why not google some real recipes? Take some notes while you're watching the Barefoot Contessa? I'm just sayin'

Recipe #3 - Lemonade

3 Lemons
2 Tablespoons of Sugar
1 Cup of Water

Squeeze the 3 lemons into a glass. Add the sugar to the glass. Add water to the glass. Stir. Add 3 ice cubes. Place in the refrigerator for two minutes. Remove from refrigerator and serve.

Holy Shit!

It's Lemonade and it's good.

Way to go kid!

Maybe this Barefoot Contessa ain't so bad after all.

I just hope that if my daughter becomes the next Giada, I can keep the pervs at a safe distance...