Thursday, April 29, 2010

Meat Gatorade...

So my Dad came in to visit last weekend so we could sort out some heavy father-son shit. Right? I was looking forward to spending some time alone with him and getting some stuff off my chest.

It's all good.

Even though it was something we both felt we wanted to do, I have to admit, I was a little fucking tense. Not to be a whiny little bitch but I've got a lot of shit on my mind lately and getting my affairs in order have been hard work.

Honest work but hard work nonetheless.

So we went to a steakhouse. Because that's what grown men do when they need to talk about heavy shit. It makes total sense to me. You need the balance that a good steakhouse can offer. All the heavy shit that's coming out of you, all emotional like, needs to be replenished with sirloin.

It's like meat Gatorade.

Possible future slogans for Meat Gatorade:

Meat. It's in you.
Meat. Put it in you.
Meat. Is it in you?
Meat. Is it in you yet?
Cowplenish your thirst.
Obey your filet.
Feel the moo.

Possible Meat Gatorade Flavors:

Rib-Eye Crush
Power Porterhouse
Blue Sirloin
Gatorade Prime... Rib
Angus 1
Performance Brisket
Lemon/Lime Shank


So my pop and I are sitting at the bar, waiting for our table and eating shellfish and I get this call...

Ring Ring Ring (re-enactment)

Out-Numbered - Hello?

Wife - It's me.

Out-Numbered - I know it's you.

Wife - How did you know it was me?

Out-Numbered - Because I know our phone number.

Wife - Oh.

Out-Numbered - What do you want?

Wife - I need your opinion.

Out-Numbered - OK. You know I'm at the restaurant with my Dad, right?

Wife - Yes. Sorry. OK, so you know those little gem, star sticker things that our daughter was wearing all over her face this weekend?

Out-Numbered - Yes.

Wife - Well your older daughter decided to shove one of the star stickers up her little sister's nose.

Out-Numbered - OK. So get a pair of tweezers and take it out.

Wife - I tried that.

Out-Numbered - And...

Wife - I can't see it.

Out-Numbered - What do you mean you can't see it? Is it in there?

Wife - Yes.

Out-Numbered - Can she breathe?

Wife - Yes.

Out-Numbered - Well, maybe it fell out. Did you check the floor?

Wife - Yes. I looked all over.

Out-Numbered - Wait a second. Why was our daughter shoving star stickers up her sister's nose?

Wife - Why? Are you fucking kidding me? What should I do?

Out-Numbered - Don't do anything. If she can breathe, leave her alone and we'll deal with it tomorrow.

Wife - You don't think I should take her to the emergency room?

Out-Numbered - Is it an emergency?

Wife - You're not helping. Goodbye


OK. So now I need to get my shit back together and go talk about the last 30 years of resentment with my Dad.


So Dad. Where were we?

God Dammit! Should I be going home? Am I a douchebag Dad if I don't go home?

Fuck. I can't concentrate. I need to call her back and find out what the hell is going on.

Excuse me Pop. I need go be useless for a moment.


Wife - What do you want?

Out-Numbered - How did you know it was me?

Wife - Because I know your phone number.

Out-Numbered - Oh.

Wife - What do you want?

Out-Numbered - Is everything OK?

Wife - I spoke to the pediatrician.

Out-Numbered - Oh good. What did he say?

Wife - He said if she can breathe, then it's OK to wait until the morning to bring her in.

Out-Numbered - Cool. That's what I thought.

Wife - So I'm on my way to the emergency room.

Out-Numbered - Are you kidding me?

Wife - No. I'm nervous. What if it goes into her chest or something?

Out-Numbered - Are you sure it's in her nose? That thing was too big to get in there and it was sticky. Wouldn't you see it?

Wife - Her sister said she sucked it in before she could get it out.

Out-Numbered - What's that noise?

Wife - Oh. That would be your older daughter.

Out-Numbered - What's wrong?

Wife - She's hysterical. She thinks she killed her sister.

Out-Numbered - That's so cute. Um... Do you need me to meet you there?

Wife - Nah. You just enjoy your steak dinner.

Out-Numbered - OK. Let me know what happens.


Later that evening at home. The girls are asleep...

Out-Numbered - So what did the Doctor say?

Wife - He couldn't find anything.

Out-Numbered - What does that mean?

Wife - It means that it's possible that it went into her chest.

Out-Numbered - Is that bad?

Wife - No. It's awesome.

Out-Numbered - Seriously. What should we do?

Wife - He said to watch for a foul odor coming from her mouth.

Out-Numbered - Our kids always have a foul odor coming from their mouths.

Wife - Funny. I'm exhausted. I'm going to get ready for bed.

Three minutes later...

Wife - Guess what?

Out-Numbered - What's up?

Wife - Look what I found...

Out-Numbered - Seriously?