Thursday, April 8, 2010

101 Damnations...

Call things by their right names - Glass of brandy and water! That is the current, but not the appropriate name; ask for a glass of liquid fire and distilled damnation. -Robert Hall

Would you change history if you knew something bad was going to happen?

Would you interfere with destiny?

How far would you go in order to prevent disaster?

Would you have assassinated Adolph Hitler had you known of his twisted and gruesome ambition?

Would you have thwarted Osama Bin Laden's reign of terror on 9/11?

Would you have prevented Terri Alden from joining the cast of Three's Company?

Altering history could cause cataclysmic events. I'm no moron. I saw Hot Tub Time Machine.

This brings me to my current quandary. I can't carry this burden alone. I need your guidance; for changing the course of history is no small matter.

But I know something bad is going to happen.

About two months ago, my wife and a group of our friends, came up with an idea. This idea seemed fairly harmless to all those initially involved but to me it seems to be a sure sign of the impending Apocalypse.

Wife - Hey guess what?

Out-Numbered - Uh, what?

Wife - I just made plans with everyone from the neighborhood.

Out-Numbered - Plans?

Wife - Yes. Plans.

Out-Numbered - What kind of plans?

Wife - We're going to take a trip into the city in April to go see a show?

Out-Numbered - A trip into the city?

Wife - Yep.

Out-Numbered - But I hate going into the city on weekends.

Wife - This will be fun.

Out-Numbered - What are we going to see?

Wife - 101 Dalmatians.

Out-Numbered - The Disney Cartoon?

Wife - Yes but it's a live show.

Out-Numbered - Live as in 101 smelly dogs, shitting all over the place, packed into a small theater?

Wife - Stop. It looks cute. Supposedly the dog even jumps into the audience at the end.

Out-Numbered - So I'm paying to be maimed by a rabid dalmatian?

Wife - You're an ass.

Out-Numbered - Is the show on Broadway?

Wife - No.

Out-Numbered - Then where?

Wife - At Madison Square Garden.

Out-Numbered - I hate shows.

Wife - This will be fun.

Out-Numbered - Why do you keep saying that?

Wife - Saying what?

Out-Numbered - This will be fun. You keep saying, this will be fun.

Wife - It will be fun.

Out-Numbered - No it won't.

Wife - Sure it will.

Out-Numbered - Not for me.

Wife - C'mon don't be such a dick. We're going with all of our friends.

Out-Numbered - How many of us are going?

Wife - I don't know.

Out-Numbered - Yes you do. You know exactly how many of us are going.

Wife - I honestly don't know exactly. A bunch of...

Out-Numbered - TELL ME THE NUMBER!

Wife - 25

Out-Numbered - 25? Are you fucking kidding me?

Wife - No. It will be fun.

Out-Numbered - NO!!! STOP SAYING THAT!!!

Wife - Jesus, Jay. What's the problem?

Out-Numbered - Do you know what you've done?

Wife - What the fuck are you talking about?

Out-Numbered - How are we all getting there?

Wife - Does it matter?


Wife - The train. We're all taking the train.

Out-Numbered - Holy Mother of God. 25 of us on the train, into the city, to see 101 Dalmatians, Off Broadway? On a Saturday? Are you out of your fucking mind?

Wife - You can't be serious.

Out-Numbered - How many kids are going?

Wife - I don't know... 13 or 14?

Out-Numbered - Oh my God.

Wife - Seriously?

Out-Numbered - Stop. Let me think for a second...

Wife - It will be fu... Great.

Out-Numbered - What time is the show?

Wife - It's in the afternoon.

Out-Numbered - So we'll come home straight after the show. Be home early. Good. Good...

Wife - Uh. Not really.

Out-Numbered - What do you mean?

Wife - We're all going out for dinner afterward.

Out-Numbered - Out for dinner? In the city? 25 of us?

Wife - Yes.

Out-Numbered - I don't feel so good.

Wife - You'll get over it.

Out-Numbered - Were the tickets expensive?

Wife - I spent like $250 altogether.

Out-Numbered - Plus train. Plus Dinner. Plus two fucking, shitty-ass, stuffed dog toys for the kids. Plus cotton candy, sodas and whatever other piece of crap stuff we have to buy.

Wife - You really suck.

Out-Numbered - I hate this idea.

Wife - You need to see a shrink.

Out-Numbered - I already see a shrink.

Wife - Well you need to see another one.

Out-Numbered - I'm going to sleep.

Wife - Sweet dreams.

Out-Numbered - Yeah, or nightmares about killer dogs, eating my fucking face in a packed theater, while hundreds of kids are laughing at me.

This is not going to be fun.

I must find either a Hot Tub or a DeLorean before it's too late...