Monday, January 25, 2010

The Three D's Of Being A Dad...

Sometimes being a Dad is dangerous. Sometimes it's delightful. Other times, it's delicious.


On Saturday night, I got slugged in the face by a bedazzled purse filled with Chucky Cheese Tokens. Yep that's right. My 7 year old filled her purse with about 50 gold tokens and tossed it, in all of it's glittery glory, right at my mug. She was standing about a foot away. It was like a prison beating. She might has well have packed a pillow case full of soda cans and pummeled me in my sleep. The worst part. No remorse. She claimed it was an accident. She said the purse slipped out of her hand. Like a cold hearted, blood thirsty, psychopath. When I regained consciousness, I sent her to her room for a time out.

Of course, I blame Chucky Cheese. Rat bastard.


Over the weekend, I filled in for my wife and drove the Sunday School carpool. There are two other children in addition to my 7 year old daughter. A boy and two girls. Together they form the Kid Axis of Evil.

I love them.

This is our 6 minute ride...

My daughter and her little lady friend are yacking it up in the backseat. They are talking about Chris Daughtry and the earthquake in Haiti. We stop to pick up the boy.

Out-Numbered - "Hey little man. What's up?"

Boy - "Nothing."

Out-Numbered - "You seem upset. What gives?"

Boy - "I'm very angry."

Out-Numbered - "Angry? About what?"

Boy - "I'm upset with my brother. He's teasing me and I don't like the way it makes me feel."

Out-Numbered - "That's not cool. What is he teasing you about?"

Boy - "He teasing me because he gets to spend more time with our dog."

Out-Numbered - "Oh, that's not fair. Why don't you tell him to stop teasing you?"


Out-Numbered - "Whoa! Settle down pal. I'm not the enemy here."

This is pretty much where I become useless. So I throw it out to the ladies.

Out-Numbered - "Ladies! We have a question for you."

Daughter - "What?"

Out-Numbered - "What should you do if someone is teasing you and they won't stop?"

Daughter - "We should know! We learned this in Brownies.

Girl- "That's easy. You just ignore them and walk away."

Out-Numbered - "That's a fantastic suggestion."


Out-Numbered - "OK hang on a minute. Let's say that doesn't work. What else can you try?"

Both little ladies are raising their hands furiously.

Out-Numbered - "You in the back."

Daughter - "Daddy you know who I am."

Out-Numbered - "Proceed."

Daughter - "You should try and talk to them and tell them how it makes you feel."

Out-Numbered - "Good idea."


Out-Numbered - "How does it make you feel?"

Boy - "ANGRY!!!"

Out-Numbered - "Obviously. Have you tried punching him in the fuschnaykies?"

The girls erupt in laughter.

Boy - "I can't do that. I'll get in trouble."

Out-Numbered - "You're right. Bad idea."

Daughter - "We know a boy at school who can burp the alphabet. Can you burp the alphabet?

Out-Numbered - "Sure can."

Kids - chanting "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"



Out-Numbered - "I think I might throw up."

Daughter - "OK. That's enough! Can you put on Radio Disney?"

Out-Numbered - "Nope. But I can sing."


Out-Numbered - "YODELAYHEHOOOO!"

Kids - "STOP IT!!!"


Daughter - "You know what?"

Girl - "What"

Daughter - "My Dad's bestest friend in the whole world, has cancer."

Girl - "Well my Dad went to a place called UConn and it's blue and white and he had a friend that had cancer there and...

Daughter - "Yeah but my Dad knows Adam Graves and he used to play on the Rangers but now he just works for them and my Dad got him to go to the hospital with him to see his friend that has cancer and my teacher says that was really nice to do and...

Out-Numbered - "Baby, he didn't come to the hospital. He met us at the Rangers game."

Daughter - "Whatever."

Out-Numbered - "OK troops. We're here. Everybody out."

Daughter - "Dad, can we adopt a child from Haiti?"

Out-Numbered - "No."

Daughter - "DAAAAADDDD."

Out-Numbered - "OUT!"

Daughter - "You're so mean."

Out-Numbered - "Have fun!"


That's what I'm talking about. My cure for being Out-Numbered...