Saturday, January 30, 2010

Dear Mr. Diner Owner...

Dear Mr. Diner Owner,

I am writing to you today in the hopes that I will be able to offer some humble, constructive criticism. The suggestions I am offering are merely observations and not meant in any way to be disrespectful. I have always been a loyal patron of your establishment and plan on continuing as such, for many years to come (God willing).

Aside from the one time that I contrived salmonella, as a direct result of eating your roasted chicken (Which at the time was delicious. The meat was so juicy and fell off the bone), I have very little negative sentiment, toward your cuisine. Of course, I have my favorites (The Challah French Toast, with Bacon and Sausage.) but in general, the portions are quite generous and the quality is certainly above average.

What I am writing to you about today, has to do with the overall decor of your establishment and its general lack of contemporary features. If it is of any consolation, I will admit, that on the odd occasion I happen to frequent another Diner (Only if it is more convenient for my Mother or my Grandmother.), I do find the same issues at these said establishments.

I have been coming to your Diner for some three odd decades. When I was young, I remember being impressed with your cutting edge audio equipment. You were always a trend setter. As a matter of fact, I remember when you renovated the exterior of your Diner to look like a huge, mirrored, spaceship. But that was long ago. Today I must hold your feet to the fryer. Please excuse the pun.

Exhibit A

Sir, as you must already know, this is a wall mounted, CD Jukebox. While obviously very impressive back in the early 80's, it is for the most part, now completely obsolete. My daughter has, on more than one occasion struggled with the site of this. She repeatedly tries to understand what it does and what its purpose is.

She always asks, "Daddy, who is Sha Na Na?" and "Daddy, who is Elvis?." Please Sir, I implore you to take it down. If not for me, do it for the children. If you must keep it, at least consider populating the catalog with contemporary music choices. No one wants to eat Roasted Chicken on the bone, while listening to Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire."

And three plays for a dollar? Are you really making money from these things? You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't insult the good, American people. These are trying times.

Exhibit B

As an owner of a restaurant, you must certainly be familiar with The New York State Board of Health and the various levels of sanitary inspection procedures that they enforce. You must also be keenly aware that a metal teaspoon does not sufficiently guard these chalky, minty, little treats from the filthy, germ infested, old lady hands, that hoard them, as if they were the last remaining morsels of food on earth.

My good friend, there are some fantastic, yet affordable options available to you, in the way of mints. Some of them are even individually wrapped in a plastic coating, to promote safe hygienic practices. I am also sick and tired of being called a mean Daddy by my children, because I refuse to let them partake in your petri dish of plenty. Please don't force me to report you. The Board does not take this sort of thing lightly.

Exhibit C

Dude. You have a combo Ms. Pac Man / Galaga Machine?

That's fucking awesome.

Just fire me up some Challah French Toast and we're cool.

I'm about to Out-Number me some blue ghosts...