Monday, December 14, 2009

Turn On Your Jew Light...

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a dilemma on our hands and something must be done.

Last week after school.

3 Year Old - "Daddy, am I a nice girl?"

Out-Numbered - "Of course baby. You are the nicest little girl I know."

3 Year Old - "I'm not naughty?"

Out-Numbered - "Nooooo. You are a very good girl."

3 Year Old - "Then why won't Santa come to my house?"

Out-Numbered - "Huh?"

Wife - "They told her at school that if she's a good girl, then Santa will come to her house and bring her presents."

3 Year Old - "But I'm not naughty"

My daughter begins to cry...

Out-Numbered - "Oh Shit."

Wife - "Exactly. When I told her that Santa doesn't come to our house, she started hysterical crying. Now she thinks she's been naughty."

Out-Numbered - "Did you explain to her that we're Jewish?"

Wife - "She's 3."

Out-Numbered - "So?"

Wife - "So I'll give her a lollipop."

3 Year Old - "Lollipop!"

Wife - "Here baby. Have a lollipop."

3 Year Old - "YAY!"

Out-Numbered - "That's it?"

Wife - "Yep."

I'm sorry but this is Bullshit.

I have no problem whatsoever with Santa Claus. He's a good dude and he has a job to do. I don't blame him or my daughter's school for exposing her to this.

My problem is with my own people. The Jews have been around a lot longer than the Christians and we haven't had the wherewithal to come up with a good Holiday Marketing tool? That's messed up.

No excuses anymore. We need to get this done NOW!

I nominate Neil Diamond to be the Jewish Santa Claus.

You heard me.

Neil Diamond.


1) Because he is Jewish.

2) Because he has experience spreading joy to the "Jewish" masses.

3) Because he has a gazillion dollars and a ton of clout in the industry.

4) Because Jewish people trust him and therefore would let him into their homes.

5) Because he has already penetrated the already saturated Holiday market.

Here's what I propose.

Neil Diamond assumes the title of Jewish Santa Claus. There would obviously need to be a denominational appropriate title. Like Jewey Claus or something to that effect.

During the eight nights of Hanukkah, Neil Diamond (Jewey Claus) would travel from home to home (Only in the Tri-State Area and Florida) and deliver toys to young Jewish children.

BMW would engineer a flying car, powered by the light of a supercharged Shamus candle. Not coincidentally, this would be totally green.

Instead of entering each house via the chimney (too dangerous), every home would have a temporary code for their alarm system. Only Neil would have access. This code could only be entered once (by Neil) and would expire immediately after he makes his exit.

Every family would leave out a plate of Macaroons and a glass of Seltzer for Neil as a snack.

Neil would have a signature sound byte, similar to Santa's "Ho Ho Ho". Perhaps he could customize one of his existing songs. For example:

Sung to the tune of "Heartlight"

Turn on your Jewlight
Let it shlep where ever you go
Let it make a shmaltzy glow
For all the mishpocheh to see

Turn on your Jewlight
In the middle of a young boy chick's dream...

And so on...

I know this seems like a lot and I know that it might be a bit too late for this year but WE CAN DO THIS.

Neil Diamond is on Twitter. Neil Diamond is a good listener and he cares.

So for the sake of my children and Jewish kids all over the Tri-State Area and Florida, please give them something to believe in, during the Holiday Season.

Re-Tweet this post to: @Neildiamond on

Let this site serve as an online petition. Leave a comment here for Neil. Tell him how important this is.

Re post this link on your Facebook page.

We will not let our children be Out-Numbered...

Shalom and Happy Hanukkah!

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