I Don't Do Bath Time...

I don't do bath time. It's that simple. It's just not my thing. I'm not good at it. I excel at other things, like taking out the garbage and changing light bulbs. I'm also good at loading the dishwasher, screwing things into other things with screwdrivers and even on occasion, tightening things on other things with wrenches.

Just don't ask me to do bath time. I'll simply look the other way and say, "I don't do bath time." I won't do that talk to the hand thing though. That's cunty.

To be completely honest, I don't really have a good reason for my disdain. It's just a man's intuition. A gut feeling. Please just trust me on this one. Don't make me do it. Nothing good ever comes of bath time. This much I can tell you...

Wife - "Please! I am exhausted. I need to lay down. My feet are killing me and I think I have a stye in my eye. I'm begging you. Please bathe them tonight."

Out-Numbered - "A stye? Now you need two eyes to bathe our kids? C'mon now."

Wife - "Don't be a dick. You never bathe them. I'm serious. Just do it. You could have been done by now."

Out-Numbered - "Ughhhhh. Fine! Not happy about this."

Kids watching TV. Looking extra dirty.

Out-Numbered - "OK ladies. Bath is ready. Let's do this!"

No response what so ever. Nada. Zilch.

Out-Numbered - "Hey! I said the bath is READY!"

Kids run to the bathroom and begin getting undressed. This isn't so bad after all.

7 Year Old - "Daddy can we take a bubble bath?"

3 Year Old - "BUBBLE BATH!"

Out-Numbered - "I don't see why not. Bubbles it is."

7 & 3 Year Old - "Yay! Bubbles!"

Wait. This is way too easy. I don't trust them. They are trying to trick me. Evil wears the face of a child.

Out-Numbered - "OK. You guys can play bubbles for 5 minutes and then you need to wash up. Got it?"

The two of them proceed to use the bubbles to decorate their faces and bodies.

7 Year Old - "Look Daddy. I have a looooonnnnng white beard. I'm an ooooollllllddddd man."

Out-Numbered - "That's nice."

3 Year Old - "You can't be an old man. You have a girl face."

Out-Numbered - "She's just pretending baby."

7 Year Old - "I have an idea!"

Out-Numbered - "What are you doing?"

7 Year Old - "I'm making a giant bubble penis!"

Out-Numbered - "What? NO!"

3 Year Old - "I want to make a bubble penis."

Out-Numbered - "Stop it guys! That's not nice."

Now my 7 year old is laying on her back, molding a giant bubble penis.

7 Year Old - "Now I look like a man."

3 Year Old - "You have a Penis!"

Out-Numbered - "No she doesn't!"

3 Year Old - "Yes she does!"

7 Year Old - "Daddy, do you want to see her do the Giney dance?"

Out-Numbered - "The what?"

7 Year Old - "Do the Giney dance."

3 Year Old - "OK."

3 Year Old grabs her vagina and crouches over and starts swaying from side to side.

3 Year Old - "Giney Dance. Giney Dance. Giney Giney Giney Dance."

Out-Numbered - "Please stop it."

7 Year Old - "Daddy, look at my bubble penis."

3 Year Old - "Giney Dance. Giney Dance. Giney Giney Giney Dance."

Out-Numbered - "HONEY! GET IN HERE NOW!!!!! PLEASE!!!!"

I told you nothing good will come of this. But you push and you push and you won't stop until I am broken into tiny little man pieces, strewn across the wet, hairy, tile, bathroom floor.

I am Out-Numbered by a million tiny bubbles in the shape of a giant penis. I hope you are happy now...