What You Talkin' Bout Willis?

I've said before, that talking to your kids, guarantees you at least one smile per conversation. Now that's an ROI you can take to the bank. If you don't agree, than you either don't have kids or you're just a shitty parent. It's also possible that you're a boring son of a bitch. One of my favorite things in life, is having an in depth chat with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. Kids are so curious at that age. They also don't have any concept of boundaries or appropriateness. Here's our most recent exchange:

In the bathroom with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. I'm taking a piss. She is standing right behind me. Her head is poking through my legs, as if she were standing underneath a (very small) waterfall.

Kid: Daddy?

Me: Yes munchkin.

Kid: Why do you make peeps standing up?

Me: Because boys make pee pee standing up and girls make pee pee sitting down.

(Kind of a white lie. I'm a huge fan of the sitting piss. I've been doing it since I saw Jack Nicholson do it in "As Good As It Gets" but I try and teach my kids the proper stereotypes, by standing in their presence.)

Kid: Why?

Me: Because it's easier for boys to stand up and for girls to sit down.

Kid: Why?

Me: Because girls and boys have different privates.

Kid: I make pee pee sitting down on the potty.

Me: Yes you do. You're a big girl.

Kid: I make pee pee from my tushie.

Me: Uh, no sweetheart. You make pee pee from your vagina.

(Funny thing is, I didn't know that there was a little hole in the fashnay nay until college. I always assumed chicks peed from the same hole they used for sex. Dude, I'm from Long Island and my parents were divorced. What do you want from me?)

Kid: No! I make peeps from my tushie.

Me: No baby. You make doodie from your tushie and pee pee from your vagina.

Kid: Do YOU make pee pee from your vagina?

Me: No. I make peeps from my penis.

Kid: (Laughing) Penis? That's silly.

Me: Yes that's a silly sounding word.

Kid: I don't have a penis.

(I know. Seems like the longest piss ever. I start and stop a lot.)

Me: No you don't. You have a vagina.

Kid: Oh right.

Later that day, at the Supermarket with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. Walking down the isle looking for whole grain, lite, Sabra, Pita Pockets (Because eating them will make my wife and I less fat)... A woman and her two teenage boys are lingering next to us, arguing about Wonder Bread.

Kid: Daddy?

Me: Yeah buddy?

Kid: Why do you have a Penis in your tushie?

Woman and her two boys look confused.

Me: Dónde está el más cercano cuarto de baño?

Kid: What?

Me: Nada.

Nothing to see here. Just Out-Numbered in the Supermarket...

P.S. If you have a sec... Check out the post below. It's an old one but I entered it into a contest the other day, because I'm a loser and most comments wins. Hook a brother up if you feel like it. If not... Fuck off. :-)

This Post Will Self Destruct In 72 Hours