Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tastes Like Chicken, My Ass...

A few weeks ago, I decided that I needed to make a few changes in my life. One of those changes, was to stop stuffing my fat, gluttonous face with red meat, pork products and diet soda. Unfortunately it's never been in my DNA to be an "In Moderation" type of guy. It's always been all or nothing for me.

"Hey Jay, you want a burger?"

"Fuck that! Make it two and slap some bacon and cheese on those bad boys."


"Hey Jay, you want a beer?"

"Beer? Where's the funnel? Let's get this party started!"

This is why I've decided to go cold turkey. I have officially stopped eating all red meat, pork and poultry products. I've also decided to cut out all diet soda (Not because of health reasons but because I think being a vegetarian and drinking diet soda, at the same time, would make me too much of a pussy). The meat thing is a must. Some people can't eat just one potato chip; I can't eat just one chicken wing. Oh, the tangy BBQ sauce, lathered onto a scrumptious chicken thigh. The juicy, buttery fat, dripping off of a sizzling ribeye. The sweet maple glaze, basted on a hot, baked ham... It gets me horny just thinking about it.

But I've made up my mind and I'm gonna go for it. It's been 3 weeks of meatless days and porkless nights. Wait, that didn't come out right. Sorry honey, I was talking about the Ham. At first it seemed like it was gonna be a cinch. I've got a ton of veggie friends. My sister is hardcore. She doesn't eat anything that once had a heartbeat. Just because she wears leather shoes doesn't mean she's any less committed. It's just a comfort issue and she's got sensitive tootsies. To each her own. Anyway, I was looking forward to trying all the great Veggie and Vegan food that I've been hearing about. If you've ever talked to a Vegetarian, you always get this:

"Dude, the food is awesome. There's so much to eat. Tofu tastes just like meat. Trust me, I don't miss it one bit."

Tastes like meat my ass! That whole line is a heaping, steaming pile of Tofu shit. If I've learned one thing in the past 3 weeks, it's that Tofu and any "meatless" meat, sucks balls. Last night my wife bought me some "Meatless Meatballs" and served them to me with pasta and some red sauce. God bless her for trying to help me out but Jeez, those "Meatless Meatballs" tasted like a wet piece of bread dipped in formaldehyde. It tasted like something Jeffrey Dahmer would have kept in a jar in his fridge. Today I stopped at the organic market to pick up my lunch. I figured I'd try something new, something with a little spice to it. I spotted something called, "Sweet and Sour Tofu". What the fuck? There was nothing sweet about it. I almost yacked on my shirt. It tasted like a sponge soaked in duck sauce. Again, doesn't taste like meat...

I don't know how much longer I can live this life of meatless malaise. I'm dyin' over here. Someone, anyone, get me the 411 on this Veggie lifestyle. I'm at the point where I'm gonna start living on Matzoh and Salt. If I see another Portabella mushroom, I'm gonna bite someone's face off. Wait, that might taste more like chicken than Tofu. I'm hallucinating. I'm in need of some meatless mentoring.

Oh and all these vegetables are giving me gas. This is no way for a man to live.

I long for the days when my manhood was Out-Numbered by meat... Grrrrr.

Fatherhood Friday at Dad Blogs