Friday, April 3, 2009

Things That DON'T Suck About Having Kids... Part Two

Warning: Please do NOT read this post if you think your kids suck. Do NOT read on if you are a rotten parent that can't stand reading about other parents who are obviously far more skilled, loving and awesome than you are at being parents. Continue reading only if you can see the sheer perfection of your children literally dripping off of their angelic little bodies without being aided by anti depressants or other mood altering narcotics.

I still love being a dad. I am also a fairly awesome dad. One of my awesome dad qualities is that I wear cool Rock Tees. Another awesome dad quality that I possess is that I am good at video games. Perhaps the most important and honorable, awesome dad quality that I exemplify is that I am fair. I am now about to drop a completely random act of fairness onto the page in front of you. I give to you the other side of "Things That Suck About Having Kids... Part One".

So to be fair, I took to the virtual streets once again and asked YOU the readers to let me know what it was you thought about parenting and kids that doesn't suck. Here's what you said:

It's nice when they help you bring in the bulk goods from warehouse club shopping. but what i like is when the boys are playing independently and enjoying each other's company. when the little one asks a question of his big brother and the older takes the time to teach and explain. that's a big brother / little brother bond they'll hopefully have for the next 80 or so years... - Todd, Facebook

They're cute when they sleep. - Aubrey_G, Twitter

Today my 4 year-old daughter came up to me and said that she has a secret in her head, it starts with a "k", then before I could guess she kissed me on the nose. - Caryn, Facebook

I'm hoping they will change my diaper in a few years... Turn around is fair play. - AzScubaShari, Twitter

I love the way my daughters look at me with so much love and admiration in their eyes. Makes me feel like I can do anything. - Jon, Facebook

They get you out of work sometimes! Also, how about when they fall asleep in your arms with their head on your shoulder... - TheRockstarMama, Twitter

How bout taking him to his first AC/DC concert! - Steven, Facebook

Loyalty. Unconditional love. Those 1st words. Those 1st steps. And u get to be a kid again vicariously. - indigoeyes, Twitter

I love that I'm the first person they want to see every morning and the last person they see every night. I love that my day always starts and ends with a kiss from each one... - Tracey, Facebook

I agree with ALL of the above.. but have to add - The tax deduction / tax credits? - Joey, Facebook

Well there you have it. Your very emotional, candid and heartwarming sentimental thoughts about why having kids doesn't suck. I have to admit I am truly touched in the most inappropriate of places by all your words of inspiration. So much so, that I was moved to compile a list of my own. Please take a minute to refill your mug with some more Sleepytime herbal tea, reach for another Stella D'Oro cookie and read on.

1. Back Rubs

Who doesn't love a good back rub? Before getting married, loving couples throw these around like Frisbees, mostly to get into each other's pants. After a few years of wedded bliss the back rub becomes as scarce as a straight, male model at an Indigo Girls concert. This is where kids can come in handy. At about the age of 4 1/2, a child's hand muscles become strong enough to simulate a back rub at about 68% adult capacity. Not bad. A little bit of coaxing and some practical training and your little rugrats will have those knots kneaded out of your back in no time.

2. Servants

Who needs the Clapper when you can have a kid bring you all sorts of shit at your beck and call. Want the remote control? Just tell them you'll give them a cookie. Need the phone? Just offer a ring pop in exchange for their kindness. Too lazy to run outside in the pouring rain to bring in the Sunday Paper? No worries. Tell little Johnny you'll time him to see how fast he can run. You work hard. You deserve a break today... Even if the kids are too young to drive to McDonald's. Give it time.

3. Self Esteem

Nothing sucks more than getting your ass handed to you by your boss or having some dick head flip you off on the road in response to your crappy driving. When you're a kid, adults blow smoke up your ass all the time, boosting your self esteem constantly. Now it's not always all rainbows and jellybeans. People are harsh and it's not that often we get our egos stroked. But even if you're a parent of limited skills, your kids are probably still blinded by their inherent love for you. You can be fat, ugly, smelly or even wear an eye patch. Chances are your kids look up to you. Try not to disappoint them too much, too early or they'll start to see you for who you really are... Just another jerk off.

4. Toys

If you're like me, then your mother threw out every cool toy, comic book and trading card you've ever owned. Well now it's payback! Having kids give you the green light to rebuild your fun collection from scratch. Of course your kids say they want that Hannah Montana doll but what they really want is that Arcade Style, Dome Hockey Table with the "Boo" button. You know, the one with USA vs Russia. Does your kid really need to read that boring book, "Brown Bear, Brown Bear"? Puh-leeze! Be a progressive thinking parent and drop the $32,000 on Spiderman #1. What? Your little angel isn't worth it? Heck, I even threw in Candy Land for the Mrs...

5. The Awful Truth

Have you ever wanted to say something but didn't have the balls to say it out loud? Maybe your girlfriend shouldn't be wearing that tube-top? Your brother-in-law is partaking in one too many donuts? Just can't listen to your aunt sing another Barbara Streisand song at Thanksgiving dinner? Have no fear, your kid is here! These little pitselehs will say anything to anyone, anywhere at anytime. Cashier at the supermarket has a big hairy mole on her face? No problem. Police officer has a fat ass? Look out! Your boss has a piece on spinach caught in his teeth on "bring your daughter to work day"? Your kid will handle that with stealth like precision. You'll never have to say it yourself. Just try not to laugh...

6. Sugar Cereals

When we were kids, my brother and I used to sit in front of the TV and watch Three's Company, Happy Days and Different Strokes reruns after school. My mom was always looking out for us, trying to keep us healthy and strong. What better way to make sure your kid is getting his or her proper nourishment, than to hand them a Gigantic Over sized Tupperware bowl of Quisp cereal? It worked for us back then. But you know what? In today's health conscious society it's not totally "hip" to kill your kids slowly with junk food. Besides that, they don't make Quisp anymore. So I've decided to put my celebrity endorsement behind "Fruity Cheerios". It's got the brand name that will make other parents think your kids are eating healthy and just as much sugar as Quisp had. The best part... I can eat it too. Right out of my Gigantic Over sized Tupperware bowl.

7. Hot Moms at Birthday Parties

Ok so they don't have to be at birthday parties. Hot Moms are everywhere! I know this because I happen to be married to one myself and I see those lame-ass dads checking her out at Synagogue or in Target. Just when you thought you were trapped looking at the same old friends your wife has hung out with since college, BAM! You have kids and now there's "A Whole New World" out there. It's like a soft porn Aladdin. Jeez, it's not even fair. Hot moms bending all over the place, picking up bottles, breast feeding, boobies hanging out, looking all fit with their Jazzercize workout regimens. Hell I'm considering staying at home with the kids just so I can join one of those Mommy & Me classes.

Oh shit. My wife just woke up. Gotta go. Gonna be Out-Numbered in a second...