Sunday, March 8, 2009

Who's The Meathead Now?

Today my six year old daughter asked me two of the most intellectually profound questions I've ever been asked in my life. This could be due to several things but I'm assuming she's either very smart or I associate with very stupid people. Perhaps it could be a little bit of both.

The two questions were:

1) Why is everything made in China?


2) Are you the Tooth Fairy?

The truth is that I really didn't have an answer for either question. It's not even because I didn't know how to explain it in terms that a six year old would comprehend. I just didn't know the answers. However, I did feel that I had a parental responsibility to my child. So I did what any intelligent guardian would do... I made up some stupid shit.

The two answers were:

1) The reason why everything is made in China is because that's where all the most fabulous ingredients are found. You see China is famous for many different things besides the delicious Egg Rolls and Spare Ribs that we enjoy every Sunday evening. In China everything is made of gold and sugar and all of the children go to school to learn how to build toys and Beanie Babies. When the children get to be a certain age, they are taken to a huge cave and participate in a fantastical treasure hunt. On this treasure hunt the children find thousands of gold coins and caramel apples. They stuff them into huge denim messenger bags and then place them onto a conveyor belt made of licorice. The caramel apples and gold coins mix together in such a way that when they are finished on the conveyor belt, they become as malleable as play-doh. At the end of the conveyor belt stands an ancient Wizard who has lived rent stabilized in the cave for over one thousand years. His name is Mr. Miyagi and he is probably the smartest person in the world. Mr. Miyagi takes out all of the ingredients from the bag and places them in an oven that is as big as a house. Everything is cooked at a temperature of approximately 425 degrees for exactly thirty three minutes. When the cooking is complete a trap door in the oven opens up and the finished products fall through a chute that stretches all the way across the world. During their giant free fall, little Chinese beetles gnaw away at the objects until they are turned into various types of toys, stuffed animals and flashing yo yo's. At the end of the journey they are dropped into a giant chariot that transports them to your local Walgreen's. At Walgreen's their is an old woman who smells like coffee ice cream that sews on labels by hand that read "MADE IN CHINA". She does this because even though most boys and girls aren't concerned with where their toys come from, it is very important that credit it given where credit is due.

2) Yes. I am the Tooth Fairy. But nobody knows this, not even your mother. The reason why I have lived this double life for all of these years is because of something that happened to me a long, long time ago. Without going into great detail, I can tell you that these teeth that occupy my mouth are not my own. When I was a young adult before I met your mother, I was lucky enough to meet a beautiful and magical fairy princess. I never learned her name but she was kind enough to grant me one wish in exchange for a prize unknown of her choosing. When she asked me what my wish would be, I paused for a moment and then told her of the one precious thing that I had always dreamed of. I explained to the fairy that I had always dreamed of marrying a beautiful princess just like her fairyness that stood before me. Except the only difference was that the one that I had to marry must be Jewish and American. Unfortunately for me, I was living in a far away land called Long Island and there weren't many Jewish American Princesses to be found. So the fairy said to me that in order for her to grant me this impossible wish, I must give her all of my teeth, never to have them back again. She then explained to me that the only way that I could have teeth again was if I were to agree to become the Tooth Fairy. She went on to explain that as the Tooth Fairy, I would be able to collect the teeth of all the children on Long Island for as long as I lived. I could then take the teeth of these children and place them into my mouth and use them as my own. The only thing she asked of me was that I would swear to keep my secret identity from everyone. Especially the Jewish American Princess that I was to marry. I have never told another soul until this very moment.