Sunday, January 18, 2009

This post will self-destruct in 72 hours…

In my almost six and a half years of being a Dad, I have learned and observed many things. Some of these things I have been able to utilize in my daily life. Some of the many findings are completely and utterly useless. However, I have ultimately cataloged most, if not all of the significant information in a Parenting Dictionary of sorts. I have never shared this information with anyone. Not even my beloved wife. I feel that some of my observations might be useful to new parents as well as the seasoned guardian or caregiver. Today, for reasons far beyond your comprehension, I have decided to share a small portion of this informational goodness. Today is your lucky day. Take notes, print out this post and file it away with your grandmother’s secret sponge cake recipe. I will remove this blog post in exactly 72 hours. I will bury the Parenting Dictionary in a time capsule along with my Iron Maiden Records, my Smurf figurines and my Peter Gabriel, SO painted denim jacket. Here are a few essential definitions from the book…

Phantom Pellet or (Phantom Nugget)
Fan-tum Peh-lit – Noun

The small, round, hard, pea shaped piece of doodie that sometimes appears out of nowhere inside a baby’s diaper. It is the size of a small super ball. There is usually no mess and no warning signs from the baby.

“Honey, did you know that little Johnny pooped? I didn’t smell a thing. I went to change his diaper and I found a Phantom Pellet.”

Nut Magnet or (Ball attraction)
Nu-ht Mahg-nit – Noun

The constant recurrence of getting poked, hit, kicked or stepped on by a toddler or small child in or around the general Gonad region. It is usually unintentional but always winds up taking you by surprise.

“Holy shit. That kid’s hands and feet are like a Nut Magnet. I’m gonna puke if he gets me in the gnads one more time.”

Kid Breath
K-id Breh-th – Noun

The unpleasant odor that permeates the mouth of a small child. It usually has a tangy smell, often acidic in quality. Most often the stench is found in the mouths of children who have not yet reached the age of proper oral hygiene. It is most common before the morning bottle is administered.

“Little Suzy is so adorable when she wakes up. You just want to kiss her. But her Kid Breath makes me want to hurl. Yuck! Can you go get her a bottle?”

Pinch Malice or (Premeditated Pinch)
Pehn-ch Maal-ass - Verb

The premeditated action of one child pinching another child, usually between siblings. The act often occurs out of frustration, jealousy or anger and is usually administered when the parent or caregiver has temporarily left the immediate vicinity. Most of the time the incident is denied, even when the child is caught red handed.

Caregiver one – “Oh snap, did you just see that?”
Caregiver two – “Yeah. That was a totally premeditated pinch. We can’t let her get away with that.”

C.T.A. – (Coffee Table Anxiety)
See-Tee-Ay - Noun

The phobia that results in uncontrollable neurosis and anxiety when a first time parent of a toddler is visiting a friend or family member that has his or her home furnished with a sharp cornered coffee table. The condition can be intensified if the coffee table is also made out of glass.

Friend - “Jeez, Harriet doesn’t look so good. How many cups of coffee has she had today?”
Other Friend – “I’ve seen this before. It’s got to be C.T.A. She hasn’t moved from in front of that coffee table since she walked in.”

Nap Sex
Naap-Seh-Cks –Verb

The planned rendezvous of a married couple during the nap time of their baby. Most of the time this occurs in the mid to late afternoon and lasts anywhere from three to fourteen minutes. Very rarely is there complete disrobing.

Husband – “Did Zack finally fall asleep?”
Wife – “Yes. I’ll meet you in the bedroom for some Nap Sex. I just want to grab the Oreos and some Hot Chocolate.”
Husband – “Hurry up and make sure his door is closed.”

Disney On The Brain
Diz-Nee – on - thuh - Br-Ayne – Noun

The mental condition by which a parent can be found singing, humming or reciting various songs or even dialogue from any number of Disney films, songs or TV Shows. The Disney TV show Hannah Montana and movie, High School Musical are most commonly cited.

Dad – “I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m going insane.”
Friend of Dad – “What’s wrong dude?”
Dad – “I can’t stop thinking about that hot little number Vanessa Hudgens. I have God Damn Disney on the Brain.”

Spit Face
Speh-Tt – Fay-Sss - Noun

The smell of adult saliva that manifests itself on the face of a baby. Usually resides on the cheeks and upper neck region. This is the direct result of a full day of receiving wet kisses from family members, friends and sometimes strangers. The scent can sometimes be mistaken or reminiscent of an elderly person’s saliva.

Mother – “I HAVE to throw Emily in the bath. She smells like your grandmother."
Father – “What do you expect? She’s been with her all day. She probably has Spit Face.”

Hide and Go Seek Amnesia
Hy-duh – N – G-oh – See-eek – Am-Nee-Shah – Noun

The pathetic and hopeless scenario in which a toddler is unable to grasp the concept of the game, Hide and Go Seek. The child ultimately hides in the same spot repeatedly. He or she is almost always visible in plain sight.

Caregiver – “Ok ready or not, here I come.”
Toddler – (Standing directly in front of the caregiver for the tenth time in a row, covering his or her eyes.)
Caregiver – “Where’s Jordan? Come out, come out, where ever you are…”
Toddler – “Here I am!”
Observing Uncle – “Man that kid is either retarded or he has Hide and Go Seek Amnesia.”

This post will self-destruct in 72 hours…

Check out some more "Momfinitions" at Parents Connect.


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