Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year’s Resolutions are Stupid…

Even though I know I will never keep any of my New Year’s Resolutions, I shall declare them anyway for the entire world to see.

Here are my three New Year’s Resolutions in the order of least likely to be resolved.

1) Be More of a Man.

You would think that when you live in a house with three females, it’s pretty easy to find your masculine identity. This is not true. I find that with each passing day, I come closer and closer to complete emasculation. I hereby resolve to find ways to strengthen my existing male attributes and even introduce some new male qualities into my arsenal of manliness. Some of the things I plan on doing to achieve this are:

A) Growing a handlebar moustache. Nothing says “Man” like a Ringmaster. There is also a nice symbolic undertone to this gesture. My wife will also find this incredibly sexy and irresistible.

B) Hunt and Kill my own food. Back in the Caveman days, every male would have to hunt and kill to provide food and clothing for his family. I can’t even get to the local supermarket without my GPS. I vow to hunt and kill every squirrel, raccoon and pigeon that roams my backyard and cook them on my BBQ for a feast that could only befit my tribe of squaws.

C) Open the hood of my car. I have no idea how to fix anything. I inherited a workbench from the previous owners of my house and I received a toolbox with a full set of tools when my grandfather died. I can change a light bulb as long as it’s not one of those fluorescent bulbs. There is nothing more masculine than looking under the hood of a car. I will not try and learn anything about auto mechanics but I will make it a point to open the hood of my car periodically in the presence of neighbors, friends and complete strangers in order to project a stronger sense of masculinity.

2) Stop Being a Lazy Ass Dad and Husband.

For the most part, my parenting skills are strong or at least stronger than most. I pretty much get by, doing a little bit better than average. I’m good at being a little bit funnier than average, a little bit smarter than average, a little bit sexier than average (The moustache will most certainly push this over the edge). I often feel like I’m doing just enough to get by as a husband and a father. Sometimes I feel bad for my girls because they don’t know any better. I’m afraid that if I don’t get my act together and step it up, my kids are going to one day have a realization and figure out that I’m really a lazy sack of shit. Some of the things I plan on doing to improve are:

A) Stop pretending to be asleep when my kids or my wife need me to do something annoying. Most of the time when my oldest daughter calls me repeatedly with no answer she will stop and assume that I am sleeping or my wife will assume that I am sleeping and help her in my absence. I have mastered the fake sleep. I am convinced that if I was ever in the presence of a cold-blooded killer, I could easily convince him that I was either dead or sleeping. I resolve to make my best effort to pretend to be awake from now on.

B) I promise to make out with my wife for no good reason. I’m not even talking about sex. I’m talking about making out, necking, good old fashioned French kissing. My wife and I have been married for eleven years and we’ve been together for a total of sixteen. When you are with someone for that long and have two kids, certain things start to slip through the cracks. Kissing for no good reason was one of the first things to go in our relationship. I feel like we’re always in a rush. Kissing takes time and I’m gonna make time. Of course this is a two way street and I will give her the option to decline my vow of sensual lip locking. But with my moustache it will be virtually impossible for her to resist. I will make every effort to once again be the Chachi to her Joanie.

C) I will listen to my wife and kids when they talk to me. My wife is constantly claiming that I don’t listen to her when she talks to me. Why else would I not remember that we made plans to see Dan Zane in concert in the city on Christmas Eve Day at 12pm with our kids and another couple. She yells at me, “For crying out loud, I asked you if this was ok when we were in the Hamptons in July. I specifically remember because you were in the pool drinking with your friends and I said to you, is it ok if I buy tickets to see Dan Zane in concert in the city on Christmas Eve Day at 12pm with our kids and another couple?” Ok. So I was drunk in a pool with my friends in the Hamptons and she was asking me a question from 100 feet away, six months ago. I do listen. I just don’t remember. I’ll do anything. Just remind me. I’m not Raymond Babbitt constantly muttering, “Ten minutes till Dan Zane, ten minutes till Dan Zane.” Cut me some slack. Nonetheless, I vow to listen attentively to any and all oral communications coming directly from the mouth of my wife and or my two daughters.

3) Try and Dance More Often.

I am not a great dancer. I am not a dancing enthusiast. I feel embarrassed when I dance. One of the things that I feel badly about as a husband and a father is my lack of enthusiasm for dancing. Dancing is good exercise, it is supposedly fun and silly and it doesn’t cost anything. In these tough economic times, dancing seems like a pretty cost effective way to keep the family entertained, healthy and out of trouble. I would think that it’s a pretty good way to relieve stress as well. Some of the things I plan on doing to introduce dance into my daily routine are:

A) The next time my daughter asks me to do a ballet dance with her; I will wholeheartedly embrace the invitation. Instead of pretending to fall asleep, I will dance. I will even go online after I finish writing this blog ( and purchase a male Unitard, Ballet Slippers and a pair of Capezio Men’s Nylon Tights. My unwavering commitment to dance will be immeasurable in 2009. I will study the likes of Nijinsky, Diaghilev, Fokine and Baryshnikov. I will make my daughter proud. I will probably need to purchase a pair of tube socks as well in order to enhance my Unitard (See resolution #1).

B) I will sign up for Jazz Tap dance instruction and or Clogging. I feel that in order to fully embrace the art of dance in the New Year, I need to find a way to express my creativity through more than one form of dance. Only then will I truly find comfort in my self-expression. I will study diligently at a local dance studio and commit to a performance at the end of the calendar year.

C) I will unveil my new learned passion and skill set at either a family Bar Mitzvah or Wedding. My wife is always angry with me because I don’t like to dance with her at these types of events. She is a big fan of the Wedding / Bar Mitzvah couples dance. I’m not sure how she gets completely pumped up for Barry White’s “You’re the first, The last, My Everything” or Sister Sledge’s “We are Family” every time she hears them. It’s like some sort of an aphrodisiac to her. To me it’s quite the opposite but not this year. In 2009 I will lace up my $39.99 Tap Shoes and tap my way through the Electric Slide like it was my last night on earth and my wife will fall in love with me all over again…

Hopefully all my resolutions for 2009 won’t have me feeling too Out-Numbered…