Monday, December 22, 2008

My kid is full of crap…

Ah the holidays. There’s no better time to kick back, relax and spend some quality time with the family. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or you’re waiting for the next Hale-Bopp comet to arrive, you can’t deny the spirit of the season. There’s something about the holiday music playing. It acts as a sort of, soundtrack to your life. I feel invincible walking down the street in time to Stevie Nick’s version of “Silent Night” blaring in my ear buds. Just when you had forgotten what an altruist Bono is, “Do they know it’s Christmas” hits the radio again. There’s something about the smell of New York City during the holidays. It’s a perfect mix of gingerbread cookies, pine cones and horse poop. The change of season is such an emotional trip.

For the last six months it’s been nothing but doom and gloom everywhere you look. All you hear about is the declining housing market, how greedy Wall Street has become, the struggles of Main Street, the credit crunch, and how can we forget the election. Even Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe got divorced. The sky is falling! It’s time to put all of our worries aside and come together. It’s time to give back to our fellow mankind. It’s time to…

…Administer child suppositories. That’s right. There’s nothing that says Peace on Earth like a constipated 2 year old. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any shittier… What does this have to do with my message of holiday cheer? Nothing. It just puts things into perspective that’s all. There’s nothing sadder than watching a little kid try to push one out the back door when it’s got the deadbolt on. It’s like trying to suck a meatball through a crazy straw. It’s like trying to flush a watermelon down the toilet. It’s just not going to work.

This is one of those instances where guys just don’t make great parents. I mean, to me being constipated would be a blessing. It would eliminate so much downtime. I could watch football straight through without having to take a break. I could eat three or four times as much food without having to empty the cargo. There would be no awkward moments at dinner parties (see: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan). The mere thought that there would be less diapers to change would be incentive enough to turn a blind eye. But as my wife pointed out to me, it can be serious stuff if a toddler can’t “drop the kids off at the pool.” Sometimes you even have to call the doctor. What? Call the doctor because you can’t poop? I thought only old people have trouble pooping. Isn’t that why they drink prune juice and mix Metamucil with applesauce?

When you’re a parent, you learn to appreciate certain things. For instance, if you’re a father lucky enough to have experienced the wonders of natural childbirth, then you have seen the unthinkable. The mere sight of an 8-pound baby excavating itself from your wife’s fush-ney-ney warrants an instant replay and a smack in the face (not necessarily in that order). But what a little two year old has to withstand when the caboose isn’t loose is just heartbreaking. My little one was walking around the house for 2 days making the most unnatural faces. I couldn’t understand what was wrong. She would be in the middle of an activity and all of a sudden she’d stop in her tracks, start to grunt and turn purple. She looked like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This is the classic poop face on a kid but it usually takes a few minutes and then there’s a definitive ending. There’s also that wafting stench that says, “I’m done.” The only problem was that nothing was coming out. Poor kid. After awhile, she started to resemble a combination of E.T. and Lou Costello. We would just find her waddling back and forth and making those faces. The only thing that was kind of nice was that for the first time, I started to see the physical resemblance she had to me. Everyone always says how pretty my girls are and how they look like their mom. But for the few days that she was trying to pass the brick, she looked like me. At one point I even put her on the toilet and made her hold the New York Times. My wife didn’t think that was so funny.

My wife decided to call the pediatrician and ask what we could do to help our little dump less truck. The doctor suggested we start adding prune juice and some Benefiber to her morning sippy cup. If that doesn’t help, try a suppository. If that doesn’t help, try a child enema. Holy mother of merciful mayhem! Prune juice I can handle. I’ve even been known to sprinkle a little Benefiber on my Apple Jacks but a suppository? You’ve got to be shitting me (sorry, I couldn’t resist.) Wait, what’s a suppository? I remember hearing my stepmother talk about that once for my little sister but she’s French. So I looked it up:

Joseph R. Duba, MD, posted the following:

Inserting a Rectal Suppository

OK, so you have never inserted a suppository before.
But you are desperate enough now that you have come this far!

I would assume that you have received medical advice regarding the need for the suppository you wish to use. Please do not self-diagnose.

First, you have to realize that the anal / rectal area is just another part of your body. (I would hope you agree). Get comfortable with it.

Relax, and follow these instructions:

You are likely already very sore and might be very apprehensive about creating more pain when you insert one of these things. Understand there will be some discomfort but it is minor and will only last a few seconds. You will not harm yourself.

Take a shower or use a bidet if you have one to clean the anal surface (and external hemorrhoids). Sitting in a very warm tub of water for a while will help relax the anal sphincter muscles and make suppository insertion easier. You might also apply a topical lubricant (like Vaseline, etc.) to the surface to make insertion easier.

Suppositories typically have a pointed end to facilitate insertion. I guess you can thank the manufacturer. It is common to feel a sharp ridge along the sides of the suppository, left over from the manufacturing process. If these are present, simply scratch them off with your fingernail.

The suppository will likely have a waxy consistency. Rub it with your fingers to make it smoother, and to warm up the surface.

Hold the suppository by the non-pointed end and insert the tip into the anal opening. This may be a little difficult to find at first, especially if there are external hemorrhoids there. But you will eventually feel the suppository begin to slip into the opening.
Now just gradually push, keep pushing (it may be further than you imagine) and at some point the suppository will be PULLED IN to the rectum by the anal sphincter.
Do not be surprised if the suppository POPS BACK OUT! You simply have not inserted it far enough. Once it stays in, it's in and will start dissolving.

Congratulations on a job well done.

Congratulations my ass. This is the part where my wife starts earning her money. Suffice it to say, it is almost as hard to force entry, as it is to force exit. I have to hand it to my wife. She really got her hands dirty this time (again, I couldn’t resist). When all was said and done or undone in this case, I learned one thing from this whole experience. Even if your kid is an angel, he or she might be full of crap.

Happy Holidays and a Peaceful New Year! May you all be Out-Numbered in 09…