Sunday, December 14, 2008


I checked all of my sources and found nothing. Nada. Zilch. Urban dictionary is usually a reliable resource. I also scoured the web and found zippo. Wikipedia came up empty. I could trek over to my mom’s house and thumb through her 1977 World Book Encyclopedia Collection but I doubt I would find anything. Those were the days. World Book was the bomb back then. I would sit in front of those encyclopedias for hours at a time, reading about lizards, World War Two, medicine and even the human anatomy. You could look up Vagina and see some crazy diagrams. Salesmen sold that crap door to door and made good coin. Man, we’ve come so far but have left so many important things behind.

Tonight at dinner, we were sitting around the table and eating. My wife had prepared a bit of a potluck smorgasbord for the kids and me. Basically that means that the freezer was getting way too full and she had to cook stuff to make room. It only happens about twice a year but when it does, look out! Some of the things on the menu were, stale cheesy meat bread, dried out pork cutlets, peas with just a touch of freezer burn and crunchy chicken legs. Sounds a bit like Thanksgiving at a homeless shelter. Anyway, I was gnawing on a chicken leg and looking quite the opposite of sexy, when my oldest daughter happened to notice me. She looked at me and said, “Gross-Arrhea!” I said, “What the heck does that mean?” She looked back at me with a straight face and said, “Gross-Arrhea is something that’s so gross that it’s worse than diarrhea. It’s like a combination of gross and diarrhea and YOU are Gross-Arrhea.” At that point there was only one thing left for me to say… “Can you please pass me the dried out pork cutlets?”

Yesterday I was taking my oldest daughter to the pediatrician because she has a cough. My kids don’t get sick that often and when they do, it’s usually the same thing over and over again. Sniffles, sneezing, general booger face type stuff. Even though I know that a bit of Delsym and some VVR (Vicks Vapor Rub) will do the trick, my wife always insists that I take them over to see the pediatrician for good measure. It’s funny though because she always asks me if I think we should take them to the doctor and I always say no. Then she says, “Do you think the pediatrician thinks I’m crazy because I always call them?” and I say, “Probably.” Then she says, “Ok, take them just in case…” Why not? You never know when the Bird Flu might come back and you can never be too cautious with that Whooping cough. I really believe my wife thinks we live on Little House on the Prairie.

So my daughter and I are driving to the Doctor and we get caught at a red light. My daughter says to me, “How do the lights change from green to yellow to red?” The truth is that I honestly have no idea how the hell the lights change. I’m not that tech savvy. I would assume it’s a Leprechaun or some type of troll that lives inside of the traffic light. But I wouldn’t dare try to pass that explanation off on her because then I would have to explain what a troll is and she might find that scary. So I do what any normal Dad would do… I make up some bullshit and try to sell it as best I can. “Well honey, it’s quite complicated you see. Every traffic light has a tiny timer inside of it and it’s set to change at certain points throughout the day. There is probably some sort of master control panel that connects all the lights in our town.” (Holding my breath… 3, 2, 1.) “I don’t think so Daddy.” She interrupts. “Do you want me to tell you how they really work?” “I would appreciate that sweetie pie.” I said. She continues on regardless of my response. “There is a really big room and a lot of people sit in it. Every person sits at a desk with three buttons in front of him or her. There is a green button, a yellow button and a red button. When the person wants the cars to go, they press the green button. When the person wants the cars to slow down, they press the yellow button. When the person wants the cars to stop, they press the red button.” She pauses, waiting for my confirmation. “That sounds like a very good explanation munchkin, I’m impressed.” Screw her. I still think the Leprechauns control that racket but I’m too tired to fight.

Oh and by the way, the Doctor said that she sounded fine and that we should just give her some Delsym and some VVR (Vicks Vapor Rub) at night to help her sleep. DOH!

Before I put my kids to bed we usually spend a little time on the couch and wind down a bit. Tonight we were watching some television. I don’t remember what program was on but there happened to be some Sharks involved. Some of you might be wondering how can you wind down two little kids by watching Sharks? I have one word for you… Educationalism. I think it’s important for kids to learn something right before they go to sleep. I believe there is a better chance of the information getting stuck in their tiny little brains if they see it right before lights out. But that’s neither here nor there. So my oldest turns to me and says, “I’m never, ever, ever, ever, ever going in the ocean ever again!” Man, that back fired. I might as well have thrown on Jaws. At least I would have been able to kick back and enjoy myself. So I asked her with caution, “Why don’t you want to go in the ocean, baby? Are you scared of the Sharks?” She looks at me like I’m a moron and says, “No dumb-dumb.” (Can’t really argue with the truth) “I don’t want to go in the ocean because when you pee it goes from the toilet bowl into a big pipe and then it dumps right into the ocean.” I looked back at her and said, “Gross-Arrhea!”

High five!

The dumb-dumbs in this house seem to be Out-Numbered…